Characters In The Gym
By Adam
Sinicki
Reprinted
from: www.the-biomatrix.net – home
of self enhancement for bodybuilders, martial artists, traceurs, athletes and
transhumanists.
If you're new to working out in
the gym you may be nervous about the kinds of characters you'll meet there.
Even if you're not new it helps to know exactly what you're dealing with. The
gym attracts an eclectic mix of people, some dangerous, some deranged. Read on
to learn their types and how to deal with them. You may even spot yourself
amongst their number.
Intense guy
Most likely to be found: doing
free weights.
You can spot this guy easily from the madness shining from his eyes. His veins
are bulging and there's a good chance he's on steroids. He often sports a
strange moustache. He lifts insane amounts and everytime he does he roars or
yells. Often wears army camouflage. Try to stay out of his way.
Starer
Most likely to be found: on the
chest press... just sitting their... staring... directly at you.
No one knows why they do it, but as you look around to catch a glimpse of
yourself in the mirror you see the starer looking direclty at you. You can't
figure out if they're mad at you, turned on by you, or if they're just staring
into space and you got in the way. Break off eye contact immediately.
Skinny girls
Most likely to be found: on the
running machines.
These girls normally come in packs of two or three. They're as thin as is
humanly possible and definitely don't need to be doing the amount of CV that
they are. No-one's sure why they're here. The answer is partly to enhance their
image, partly because they enjoy the stares, partly social pressure and partly
dysmorphia. Their tight, tight lycra shorts are a source of distraction though
generally there's not much of a bum left to look at anyway.
Fatties
Most likely to be found: sat down
curling 2kg in each hand and staring forward blankly.
They sit there being all gigantic, barely doing anything and sweating
profusely. The only danger here is the temptation to approach them and say
'really, what's the point?'
Dynamic Duo
Most likely to be found: spotting
one another.
Two gym buddies who work together and move round the gym oblivious to their
surroundings. They give off a fun energy and keep mainly to themselves. The
only slight annoyance is that any area they use will be inaccessible until they
have both finished.
Machines
Most like to be found: doing
squats
The machines are the hardcore regulars of the gym who generate an aura of respect.
They normally have a single minded determination and can lift roughly a million
times the amount of a normal human. They are generally friendly characters who
enjoy a bit of gym camaraderie. However they do not take kindly to their
session being interrupted. They are there when you arrive and will be there
when you leave. It is unknown whether they have a home at all, or whether they
infact live at the gym. If more than one machine meet they will usually begin
to work together. Sometimes several will congregate around one machine. Often
this makes an area of the gym inaccessible or intimidating for the timid gym
goer who feels they are not welcome. Don't be afraid to approach, you may even
learn something.
Skinny kid
Most likely to be seen: on the bench
press, pressing 5kg.
Skinny kid comes to the gym for one of two reasons: a) he is trying to get a
six pack for the girls or b) he is trying to get 'buff' so kids will stop
stealing his lunch money. Unfortunately he doesn't realise that a) he won't
pull because he is a gimp and b) he gets bullied because he is a gimp. You see
the skinny kid has a fundamental misunderstanding of how the gym works and will
likely only last for a week or two before he leaves again, disheartened at his
lack of six pack. This is because he is a gimp.
Overly friendly guy
Most likely to be found: talking
to you.
He smiles at you so you ask him if he wants to share the machine with you. This
was a mistake. Overly friendly guy will always accept such an offer, even if he
wasn't waiting for the machine. He will then strike up a friendly conversation
that will be fun for a while but before you know it an hour will have passed
and you will have lost ALL YOUR PUMP. Watch out, many personal trainers are
actually overly friendly guy in disguise. Do not under any circumstances strike
up a conversation with overly friendly guy until the end of your session.
Lurker
Most likely to be found: following
you and sighing loudly.
Whatever machine you're on lurker will be waiting and looking at you disapprovingly.
If you rest for what he deems to long he will then lean over and ask 'are you
using this?'. It is blatantly obvious that if you are sitting on a bench in the
gym you are using it; otherwise you would be sitting on the sofa at home.
Chances are if he'd just asked to have a quick go you'd have let him cut in,
but his obnoxious tutting and condescending manner make you want to punch him.
If you do let him use the machine/bench/weight he will then do one set of 30
and walk off to do bother someone else. He has no idea how to train properly
and thinks everyone else is doing it wrong. He is in short, a wanker.
Veterans
Most likely to be found: doing
deadlifts.
They look about 80 and you wonder what they're doing here but don't
underestimate these guys. They can often compete with machines for raw
strength. They are actually powerlifters - a sport that you can still perform
in through old age. They were the machines of your gym once and they have seen
it go through great change. Treat them with respect.
Sports teams
Most likely to be found: all over
the fucking place
If a sport team come into your gym you may as well write off your session.
Ranging in number from 4 to 10, rugby teams and rowing teams are the most
likely candidates. Upon arrival they will spread out and fill the entire gym.
Their coach will bark orders at them and believes it is their divine right to
have sole access to every machine during their stay. They often workout using
circuit training and so no part of the gym is safe. They are the scourge of the
gym and only machines have the power to stop them.
The flirt
Most likely to be found: engaging in fitness chat
with the personal trainer.
These girls aren't here to workout at all. Instead they will hog the personal
trainer who will likely be more than willing to help. While he shows her how to
do the most basic of exercises she will then flutter her eyelids at him madly
capturing him in a hypnotic trance which he will not be able to break out of
until she leaves. Failing this she will approach the largest figure in the gym
and sprawl herself on a nearby machine asking for help. Her speel will ensure
he then devotes his time to helping her in the gym thus ruining his own session
and getting nothing in return.
Her hypnotic powers are useless against machines however, which is her greatest
cause of frustration.
She is a threat to the middle range gym-goer and annoyance to all others. Which
is nothing to do with jealousy... honest.
Scary strong lady
Most likely to be found: doing
starjumps.
She seems to be a product of the eightees wearing garish pink and doing
boxercise moves to the music in her mp3 player. She's about 40 but has abs and
buns of steel and could crush you with one hand. Again, avoid eye contact. If
she meets intense guy they will fall instantly in love.
Karate bloke
Most likely to be found: on the
matts
Similar to the intense guy, but also prone to extended periods of stretching
and possibly meditation. Possibly wears his kit to the gym. Wants you to know
he's a blackbelt.
Lone Wolf
Most likely to be found: moving
steadily and silently around the gym
Lone wolves keep themselves to themselves. They are here to train and train
alone. They may be new to the area, travelling or perhaps they just hate
mankind, but for whatever reason they will not make conversation with other gym
goers instead preferring to move around on their own. They are usually harmless
but still approach with caution initially.
Bendy girl
Most likely to be found: on the
matts.
It's amazing the things she can do. Unnatural even. She may be from the circus,
or she may be an alien. Try not to stare too obviously.
The Regular
Most likely to be found: laughing
with the staff
The regular might not be the biggest of the bunch but he's been coming to this
gym long enough to mix with the greatest. He's well liked by all and knows the
receptionists by name. His easy charm and charisma make him an instant hit with
anyone and it's hard not to feel special when they shoot a smile your way.
The Alien
Most likely to be found: on
whatever's free
Basically the new guy, or a foreigner. Someone who's clearly not comfortable
being in the gym. They will come and ask you if you're using the bench press
even though you're the other side of the room. Mess with their head by saying
'I am using everything'.
Civilians
Most likely to be found: on
resistance machines
Civilians are basically anyone who comes to the gym out of habbit or because
their wife made them. They don't really want to be here but they feel that
society demands it of them. Their lack of enthusiasm leaks from their pours
